SCANITY

I’m in the waiting room. This is it! I’ll find out what’s going on. Am I really preggers? Why an I spotting/bleeding? I’m amazed at people who get pregnant so easily without all the IVF kerfuffle. Or women who are pregnant in some remote village somewhere and they till the lands till the day they give birth. Then there’s me. Pregnant through IVF/ICSI and then spotting and all sorts of other unpleasantness. I doubt those farming ladies get given “bed rest” or whatever.

I’ve got Chimamanda with me to distract me till its my turn. Thank goodness.

The room has gotten full. There are four other women waiting for scans. I guess we are all living in our own personal anxiety. But for each of us, our anxiety is the worst. Nurses are hovering. Starting to take files. I feel sick.

I’m next. Feel teary but will look silly if I cry. This is it. I'm being called...

Half of a Yellow Sun

Arrived safe and sound. Terrified out of my mind with what tomorrow’s scan appointment will reveal. It’s been a nerve-wracking month! Am I pregnant? Am I not? Why am I spotting? Is this normal? What was that twinge? Was it a fart? Or a need to poo? Is that a cramp?  Am I having a miscarriage? What does Google say? Oh my God, why did I check Google? I might be dying!

 The only good thing about today being the last night before I know what’s what is that I brought a really really good book along with me. I’m reading a fabulous book that has me enthralled. “Half of a Yellow Sun” by Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie really is well worth the read. Never judge a book by its cover. I thought it was going to be lame and boring, one of those political snore galore books. Was I ever wrong! The book had me captivated from the first page. Read it if you haven’t read it yet!

Thoughts of finishing the book tonight is making me more worried than any of my other woes because if I finish it now, the whole night will loom ahead of me with ceiling-staring, blanket throwing and lots of sighs of despair. Thank you Chimamanda Ngozi Adichie. Your book is keeping me sane during this long night of infertility/IVF/ICSI woes. Whatever tomorrow’s outcome, I’ll always remember your book.

Plus I need something to read whilst I’m waiting for my scan tomorrow. I just can’t read the magazines with all the baby stuff. It’s like tempting fate. Maybe I should just go and finish designing my cabin bedroom.
 I started in the bus but I’m not getting how I go from the sitting room to the bedroom. And what about the bathroom? Is it ensuite? Because if it is then all my six dinner guests get to traipse through my cosy cabin bedroom. That doesn’t feel right. And if it’s not ensuite, it can’t be too near the kitchen. That’s just gross having a toilet and kitchen leading into each other. But the cabin is miniscule. Hmmm...

No. I need to put Chimamanda’s book aside till tomorrow and climb into bed (I brought my so-heavy-you-cant-lift-it-with-your-feet blanket with me because it is frigid out here!); close my eyes and figure out my cabin bedroom and bathroom.
Night night!

Log Cabin Fantasies

Left early this morning. The sun wasn't even up. I napped along the way. Even had a dream. It was freeeeezing cold so I had on all my winter warmers. It was overcast too, made it feel sort of cosy- as long as I was in the warm bus. Which is my ultimate nearly-orgasmic  pleasure. Let me explain.

Jar and I can only sleep in a freezing cold room, with a blanket so heavy you can’t lift it with your feet. I blame him. This all happened once I married him. In summer we have the air-conditioning  on all night long at 16°C; and in winter we open our bedroom sliding door leading to the outside patio, shut the trellis door locked and sleep with the outside temperatures of  4 or 5°C wafting into our bedroom. Freezing delicious!

Whenever I sleep I always go back to my old daydream/fantasy where I'm living in the freezing Arctic, somewhere remote, and for some reason  (haven't decided on the reason yet) I'm needed there for some urgent work (I'm rubbish at science so it  can't be that). And I'm given this tiny little cabin. Miniscule. And in my fantasy/daydream it's warm and cosy. I usually fall asleep to me designing or decorating it.

It used to be that my warm cosy abode was on a ship in the middle of a frozen ocean (I'm rubbish at geography so I never figured out where I was); but then there were issues with the loo. Like, where would they dispose of everyone's poo on a frozen ocean? Would they throw it out and it would be cubes of frozen poo falling on a frozen ocean surface? That sort of chipped away at some of my pleasure. Then I read this article about how toilets really stink on cruise ships, even  luxury ones. So what chance would we have on a (scientific?) mission ship??? So I abandoned the ship ides and decided on a mini cabin idea somewhere in the remote Arctic. In a gated complex so there are no rogue bears or tigers or serial killers. Whatever I am doing there it's really important because my virtual cabin is super cute!

In fact, it's sort of given me an idea to maybe look into designing singles bachelor pads exactly like my cabin. And maybe get a loan to build three or four of these and rent them out to singles. It sounds crazy but I think it would work. I must tell Jar of my idea. Bet he’ll think it’s ridiculous- until I start a craze and everyone gets on the fantasy cabin wagon. By which point I’ll sell my cabins and reinvest my money elsewhere.

Picture this: very small functional cabin. You enter and there is a tiny sitting room. (I think it should  be furnished). Just a double sofa facing the wall to your left with a small coffee table (more like a chest so you can store things in there for functionality). On the wall is a flat screen TV. Of course. Wherever we are, in this remote neck of the Arctic woods, we have strong satellite signal.

You go past the sitting room and immediately you have a small counter which acts as a room divider cum kitchen table. And get this: to save space, there are two foldable bar stools that hang on the wall adjacent to the counter. On the side of the counter is another two foldable bar stools. That way you get to have dinner parties for up to four people including you. Of if you’re  like me, use the sofa too and have six people over. It would be awfully tight though.

Then go around the counter to the tiny kitchen and you have a sink (single, because space is a problem), with space for a microwave on the far right (yes even in the Arctic the cabins have microwaves. We obviously are connected to the electricity grid.  Or maybe, we are so secretive that we have our own grid). There’s a small stove and oven on the left hand wall and loads of cupboard space adjacent to the sink. I even thought about putting a hanging rack above the counter for pots and pans – because it’s just miniscule and every space must be utilised. I’m talking even magnetic strips for knives because it’s all about space, space, space!

I had imagined a tiny little fireplace nook between the sitting room and kitchen on the left wall  because it’s obviously freezing. With hooks to the side for the thingies you use to poke the wood. Oh and a little nook in the wall for wood (which would be delivered every two days – who do I work for??? I love my virtual bosses already!)
That’s as far as I got. I’ll try to draw my cabin but I’m rubbish at art. The vision remains in my head. So whilst most people go to sleep dreaming of holidays they want to take, or romances they wish to engage in, I fall asleep designing my cute and cosy cabin. Every single sleep. Three and a half hours left to arrive at my destination! I think I’ll have a nap and start on the bedroom details. Yawwwn!

IVF fun

So imperfect am I that it's taken me five years to write the next blog. Five years! Luckily for me I'm so OCD that I have only 3 possible passwords for any of my accounts. Which is how I managed to get back on this old one-post blog. Phew!

Update: my miracle ivf/icsi twins are now 5 years old. Actually, on precisely eight days they will be six. (They really are miraculous- they were conceived using spermatid and not sperm! Msg me for more info. It's a looooong story!)

Hubs, who I have taken to calling Jar over the years- it's a play on his name. He loves it - and I decided to try for a last time for more kids.

We have our miracles so I wasn't too stressed as I was the first time round. But it's still nerve-wracking.
We started the whole ICSI/IVF process in April. We are now in June. Two months. And the Clear Blue test says pregnant 1-2 weeks! The word "pregnant" only stays for 24 hours and I did the test two nights ago. I really should throw it away. But I can't.  Because it once said "pregnant". Although now it's just blank. But i know it once said pregnant 😏 According to the package insert this means I am 3-4 weeks along. Apparently with IVF you have to add two weeks to the implantation date. But it's still terrifying.
I don't think I really believe that I'm pregnant. I don't feel any differently. No nausea. No sore boobs.  The only thing is that I don't need to suck in my belly in because I'm "pregnant"...though technically I wouldn't start to show till 4 months or so. Haha! But I do feel very bloated. I read online that it's from all the Progesterone pessaries I have to take.

 I think im also not believing it because I've been spotting. I didn't spot like this last time. So I'm making the cross-border drive to my fertility clinic tomorrow. It's a long journey. Eight hours, with a stop halfway through, to see my mum before I actually cross the border. There they'll do all the necessary blood tests and perhaps a scan. Why don't I just do everything in my home town, you may wonder? Because bitter experience has taught me that whatever you do, don't get sick or need a doctor here. The word "butchers" comes to mind.

I'm terrified out of my mind. But I need to know that everything is OK. I don't want to even go to the loo because I can't bear to see any red. I don't even want to fart! So I need to just know. Although today when I phoned the clinic to tell them I am spotting and worried, the nurse told me to start putting the pessaries in my bum. Joy! Just when I thought it couldn't get any more charming.

I'm not going with Jar because the kids have school and Jar has work. It's only me and a driver. We'll be travelling in my bus though...lots of stretching room. I'll be lying down most of the time reading my book and napping. With lots of snacks. I somehow feel better going on my own. Much as I love Jar, I'll be tripping over him if he were to come with me. No, best he stay at home and man the fort.